ADDICTION MASKED AS A COPING MECHANISM
Way back 2019 where my life becomes more uncontrollable, I’ve been using alcohol as my escape from the reality which I know I don’t have the power to bend it. My anxiety becomes more worst and its hard to cope up because no one is there to try and ask me if I’m still okay, I rarely explains my self to others, maybe that’s why they always misunderstood me, I just let them think what they want to think. Then there’s an alcohol, it tastes bitter there’s nothing sweet in alcohol but what I want is the numbness that its giving me, the slight confidence and happiness that its giving me is the best. Then I came up to the point where I’m always drunk every week, I don’t care about the hangover I will just wipe it off by alcohol again.
Im on the point of my life that I have given myself a deadline, and I’m ruining my life without even considering others opinion or my moms feeling, because either way my mind spokes that I will end my life that year.
Then there’s this realization that make me stop to do all those things, I began questioning my behaviour, I’m questioning myself if its worth ruining my life when in the first place its already ruined. What is the source of my anxiety? Friends? Boys? Or Alcohol is making it worst? That time all I want is to get away with everything, and alcohol is one of my safe haven, then I can’t control my thirst anymore I tend to crave in liquor, that’s the time that I am starting to get addicted to it.
There’s still a part of me that I don’t want to be that girl who let herself drown to the river, or will be written on every page of the news paper who hangs herself due to depression, I don’t want to be a center of sympathies. So, I tried to stop everything while its not too late, I tried to fight even its painful to hear all of their shaming words and back stabbing, those insults? It hurts but I make it as a fuel. I did stop everything that makes my anxiety worst, yes one of the reason of my anxiety is my family, I will not hide that. They are pressuring me to be a good daughter like any other first born daughter needed to be, there are friends who I started to cut communications, why? Because they know me more than I know myself and its also a pressure to be a girl who they also want me to be.
The world is full of opinions, if I want to stay mentally stable I need to filter the words I needed to hear, filter people who I needed to be with, read books that can help me distract in every demons that whispering in my mind while I was alone by myself. Even its hard, I started to live by myself, so I meditate in everything and start a new.
When the pandemic comes, staying at home helps me to know more about myself, it helps to organize my mind and stay away from other people who has been toxic to me.
Coping up with our own demons is really hard, we tend to find ways on how to get away with reality and sometimes leading us to addiction. We fear reality rather than our deaths. Addiction is not just a hobby that you could stop instantly. We are still living in a world where all opinions matter and bad habits are just a sore eye to the society.
Let us see deeper on those people who got addictions, because addiction is also part of mental illness, not just anxiety or depression, addiction can kill a person too.
Let be their guide to start a new not a new knife that will add up to their scars, all they want is help.